Post No. 53

saying that this drives me nuts is an understatement.

I am fucking losing my head over x. I don't know I put myself through with this shit.
I mean it doesn't have to be this way if it weren't for my ego. and clingy-ness.
It's all me. I know that. I just don't know how to stop.
I put myself out there so much, I don't have a place to hide and forget anymore.

*      *      *

Submitted an application to Maccas. Trying to get me hopes up. Wish me luck :)

Post No. 52

was fidgeting with google cuz I was bored. and guess what I have found.
designer handbagsss. at massively discounted prices. ohh yess!

Louis Vuitton and Pradas and Chanel in the AUD$200 - AUD$400 range. AWESOME.
more more reasons to get a job asap.
now I would definitely understand why people will rather not eat. than to buy a designer bag.

Post No. 51

I will die. soon enough if I continue on living like this.

Its been 2 days since best frendie left Sydney to her next stop, Melbourne.
For the first day I reckoned since I've been out to the city for one week straight, staying indoors to do some reading, and no be bothered of figuring what to wear sounds like an awfully inviting idea. and i stuck to it. cept that there was little reading involved. more on blog hopping, facebooking, and photo editing(only half way there).

and I feel so. unhealthy. zombie-like.

basically I have not done anything fruitful. looked around at my house. its a mess. a surprise visit from anyone will basically screw me. but I just couldn't pick myself up and do cleaning of any sort.

and that's day 1.

today is also a rendition of yesterday. lying around. watching movies. reading magazines. couldn'd be screwed to go shopping even though my fridge is like almost empty. plus the rain just didnt make anything better.


I need a life. I need to live.

Instead of wasting my life away. one day. i think this wasting time business will come back and haunt me. no joke. maybe like when I'm on the verge of dying.

I want a job. I need a job. I know I have been complaining alot that people will not hire me despite me putting me numerous resume. so I hope all the bosses out there will have a huge ass heart. and give me a job. I rather be out there, working my ass off, earning money. than lying round here, doing nothing.

Post No. 50

My head is a wreck these couple of days. 

How am I supposed to explain myself when I do not even understand what was and is still going on in my head? It’s ruining me. Inside and out. So many negative emotions. So many frustration. So many times I ask myself, WHY?

Why? I don't have an answer. Like I don't have an answer to everything.

*     *     *

I hate finding myself in awkward situations. 

This haven't been so strong until recently. My problem is. I do not know how to act around couples. any couples. and I do not know how to share. Spending time around them hits me with wharfs of mixed feeling. One minute it was lovely. another minute I will be furiously jealous and frustrated. Sometimes. I just don't know what to do, or where to look. 

Yes. Its the happiest and the loveliest when that's you that is in a relationship, to be in that secret circle. 

But like me. what if you are out of the circle? 

I was once in that circle. Maybe not the romantic type. more of the platonic type. best friendy kind. Now. I'm out of the circle. I have to excuse myself to make way for them. I have to learn to share. I have to learn to tolerate. Thing that I was never great at. 

I keep leaving myself wondering. of what that is happening exactly at this moment. right now. often, what I had in mind ruins me. or just left me wondering more.

I know that I was never great at these things. I'm terrible in fact. And I am ashamed of that side of me.

Frustration adds up. Pent up angry will erupt someday. I'm incredibly sorry for the people that I've lashed at. I don't mean it. I'm just frustrated. 

One thing that keeps popping to my head was the quote that I got from Chaigyaru. 

Sometimes you will feel like you’re alone, but remember, in this world, you will always have one friend. That one friend is yourself. This friend will always follow you wherever you go, always agree with you even when you’re wrong, always wipe your tears when you’re sad, always smile for you when you’re happy. Look into the mirror when you’re sad and tell yourself that there’s always someone who loves you back. Never ever let anyone else put you down. Remember, it’s you – not me.”

I reminds me that I still have me. Sometimes I just do not need other people to make me feel a little bit more worthwhile. I just need to take care of me better sometimes. me me me.

Life gets bored sometimes and I might need a dash of theatric antics. overdramatised. Seeing the need to be miserable. I guess little things like these bring me back to earth. 

I will love myself more and be my own best friend. 

I will learn to tolerate. and share. 

I will need to.

I will also need to watch my emotions. anger especially.

Post No. 49

Swings.

Swung the highest. Victorious. With the wind caressing your face. Smile. Happy.

Reach the bottom. And fall. To get lost. and confused.
when that happy face turned upside down. Into a frown.


Such a confusing state. To be at a emotion swing. in just one night.
I'm confused. I do not know what I want.
I'm at the bottom. Unreadable.
Confused.

With a string of negativity following behind.
Rage. anger. disappointment. tireness.




Fuck Life.