Post No. 90

I'm guessing by now most of the people in Malaysia would have known about this Alviss Kong incident that cause quite a stir on Facebook and the news.

And yes. It's 4am and my brother's birthday and I am supposed to get some sleep early cuz hafta get a cake from the city tomorrow morning.

It shows how pissed off I am with this incident for me to stay up and write about it so that I can share my two cents worth of opinion.

Long story short. Alviss Kong, 22 years old decided to take his own life after breaking up with his second girlfriend of 4 months. Prior to his suicide mission, he wrote a long farewell note, devoting his last words to his second ex-girlfriend. He also told everyone his ex was not to blame for his action. His actions was merely to give himself some peace and closure, as he find nothing worthy for him in this world. More detailed news cover here and here.


what I think about this.

I do not fault his girlfriend in this incident. I do not know them personally so I am not in the position to judge what has been going on in their relationship. He took his own life. His girlfriend did not stand by him and encouraged him to jump. Obviously after getting out a relationship, there will be an emotional turmoil going on inside you. You let yourself go for a bit because you want to get those negativity out of your system as soon as possible, then pick yourself up and go on with life. Life is too short to keep dwelling on a petty four month relationship that has no way of turning back. He failed to do that and succumbed to his emotions.

He whole world was blinded. The only thing that he sees is his girlfriend, who she is everything that matters. So when his girlfriend break things off, to him, his world was taken away from him. I personally, do not feel any empathy for him, not one bit. To do what he has done is a very selfish act. The only people I feel sorry for are his parents and family. 22 years of hard work raising, educating and feeding this man, he ended up throwing his life away just because there is a hiccup in his love life. You leave this world, but you left your mess behind for the people who cares about you. You maybe resting in your coffin now, nothing to worry about. But have you ever thought about your parents, your sister, your family, your friends? How much tears and heartache for your stupidity? And the emotional scars you leave behind.

You decide to be a coward and run. But you have no idea of the damage you leave behind.

Post No. 62

had this epiphany to evaluate my life. took a step back, and had a good look.
nothing-ness.

devoted almost my entire holiday to waiting. but am never really sure of what I was waiting for. I opened up everything. facebook.msn.skype.mobile. but they are there, all good to go. but then. there is nothing. I never knew what I was waiting for. but I've waited. Night after night. I've waited and waited. nothingness. I tried to make myself understand my actions. and failed. and yet. I'm still there waiting.

I guess I've never realized how tired I am. physically and mentally.

Post No. 53

saying that this drives me nuts is an understatement.

I am fucking losing my head over x. I don't know I put myself through with this shit.
I mean it doesn't have to be this way if it weren't for my ego. and clingy-ness.
It's all me. I know that. I just don't know how to stop.
I put myself out there so much, I don't have a place to hide and forget anymore.

*      *      *

Submitted an application to Maccas. Trying to get me hopes up. Wish me luck :)

Post No. 50

My head is a wreck these couple of days. 

How am I supposed to explain myself when I do not even understand what was and is still going on in my head? It’s ruining me. Inside and out. So many negative emotions. So many frustration. So many times I ask myself, WHY?

Why? I don't have an answer. Like I don't have an answer to everything.

*     *     *

I hate finding myself in awkward situations. 

This haven't been so strong until recently. My problem is. I do not know how to act around couples. any couples. and I do not know how to share. Spending time around them hits me with wharfs of mixed feeling. One minute it was lovely. another minute I will be furiously jealous and frustrated. Sometimes. I just don't know what to do, or where to look. 

Yes. Its the happiest and the loveliest when that's you that is in a relationship, to be in that secret circle. 

But like me. what if you are out of the circle? 

I was once in that circle. Maybe not the romantic type. more of the platonic type. best friendy kind. Now. I'm out of the circle. I have to excuse myself to make way for them. I have to learn to share. I have to learn to tolerate. Thing that I was never great at. 

I keep leaving myself wondering. of what that is happening exactly at this moment. right now. often, what I had in mind ruins me. or just left me wondering more.

I know that I was never great at these things. I'm terrible in fact. And I am ashamed of that side of me.

Frustration adds up. Pent up angry will erupt someday. I'm incredibly sorry for the people that I've lashed at. I don't mean it. I'm just frustrated. 

One thing that keeps popping to my head was the quote that I got from Chaigyaru. 

Sometimes you will feel like you’re alone, but remember, in this world, you will always have one friend. That one friend is yourself. This friend will always follow you wherever you go, always agree with you even when you’re wrong, always wipe your tears when you’re sad, always smile for you when you’re happy. Look into the mirror when you’re sad and tell yourself that there’s always someone who loves you back. Never ever let anyone else put you down. Remember, it’s you – not me.”

I reminds me that I still have me. Sometimes I just do not need other people to make me feel a little bit more worthwhile. I just need to take care of me better sometimes. me me me.

Life gets bored sometimes and I might need a dash of theatric antics. overdramatised. Seeing the need to be miserable. I guess little things like these bring me back to earth. 

I will love myself more and be my own best friend. 

I will learn to tolerate. and share. 

I will need to.

I will also need to watch my emotions. anger especially.

Post No. 49

Swings.

Swung the highest. Victorious. With the wind caressing your face. Smile. Happy.

Reach the bottom. And fall. To get lost. and confused.
when that happy face turned upside down. Into a frown.


Such a confusing state. To be at a emotion swing. in just one night.
I'm confused. I do not know what I want.
I'm at the bottom. Unreadable.
Confused.

With a string of negativity following behind.
Rage. anger. disappointment. tireness.




Fuck Life.

Post No. 48

I don't understand.


Why am I cracking my head, thinking about something that is not about to happen.

I need to stop thinking. Stop jinxing everything. by overthinking.

Post No. 47

Its really tragic how the best people around you when you were 5 years old seems like a stranger now.

change is sad.

Post No. 43

spent almost half the day in bed.

sometimes, I just get too tired, I give up. 

Post No. 38

便利帖子。我想我应该也是一个吧。
想用的时候，真的很好用。不想看到她的时候，一撕就脱手，没有值得留念的价值。


我不想当便利贴子。我想在你的心目中有一个固定的位子，一个你时时刻刻都重视的角色。

但，有可能吗？


傻瓜。别做梦了。自己的空虚，自己添补。再大的渴望只会带来再大失望。与其等别人的付出不如自己加油。
我自己靠自己。

Post No. 17

I envy.
THATSCHIC



yes people. Im well and alive. internet was down at  my place two weeks before and cbf to post anything from uni. cuz the queue is just so so long.

How am I doing lately you may ask. well. its one hell of a roller coaster. mostly going down hill in shotgun motion. Lots and lots of emotions going on.

Haven been taking photos in a while. Really missed that part of my life. Documenting the good times.

If you must know. Life currently goes this way. wake up. putting on a face. train ride. classes. train ride. bus ride. dinner. bed. with lots of John Mayer and Daughtry involved. Well isnt it interesting. Why John Mayer. Other from being a major douchebag he makes excellent music. Loved the lyrics. It sounded so much like a poem.


Uni is.
I dont know what to make of it. Besides having assignments lined to my door. lots and lots. 2000 word essay. kill me. I havemt even got my copy of The Inconvenient Truth. Let alone CRITICALLY ANALYSE it. gosh. oh. and also presentations. what am I sposed to say for 30mins worth????
okay. a person can only rant so much.

Post No.9

dada's coming home tomorrow from Syd.
I wonder what he got me?