Post No.95

2010 is wrapping up today. Couple more hours to go, and there goes the year.

To sum everything up, 2010 is the year...

1) I moved out to a new place with my brother to start an independent life by ourselves. We learned how to run a household and do everything by ourselves.

2) I got a taste of my somewhat freedom. no one looking over my shoulders and I sorta can do much that I want. 

3) I got a job. Earned my own bucks. and loves the feeling of spending my own money. without any guilt.

4) I started my first year in uni, working on my bachelor degree. rawrrr.

5) I realised how costly is it to maintain a household. bills bills bills.

6) I got my Malaysian P's. abit slower than everyone else. but fuck. I still get to drive. yeh. Australian red P's in the process as we speak. 

7) I hit 20. two decades into my life. 

8) I got myself an Iphone4. with my own bucks. not even looking back to the Nokias, Sonys. Best thing ever.

9) I discovered macaroon goodness. ohhyummm. and other gourmet fine dining foods. Masterchef FTW. and not forgetting bubble teas. 

10) I cannot wait to be done with. because everything is in monotone. no sparks. no colours. no whatsoever.

Still. 

Happy New Years. 

2011. come quickly please.

Post No. 64

Can't believe this is the last weekend of my 7 week long holiday.
I know I've said that I'm all excited to go back to uni, and get my life on tracks again. I am still excited. Its a fresh start once again. A little part of me will kinda miss this holiday. No obligations, sleep and get up at any possible time. Doing nothing.


August is here.

This semester. I want to be better. A better person, a better student, a better child and sibling, and a better friend. I guess at least I owe it to myself to be that better person. what's life if u aren't at the best position that you can be, right?


A toast to a new, possibly wonderful start.

Cheers!

Post No. 61

Bills.

they make me cringe alot. once. I was a innocent little girl who will not have to worry a single shit on bills and payments. now. I've grown up and trying to learn and accept the daily, menial duties of running a household. and one thing that annoys me the most are bills. monthly, quarterly, water bills, phone and broadband bills, electric bills, credit card bills. bills. bills. bills. its feels like someone is at your door every three days asking for payments, for money. it gets overwhelming at times.

since when basic necessities in life like water, gas, and electricity have to cost so much. all I care about is when I turn on a switch, the lights go on. when I turn on the tap, water runs. When I turn on the computer, the internet is up and ready to go.

who cares about rates, bandwidth limits and off peak and peak hours.

we use them because we need them. but everything in life is now so commercialize because people wants to squeeze the most profit out of everything. my eyes ogled when the bills came. I almost didn't understand most of it.

I wish life was simpler. no hidden service charges or asterisks.

Post No. 50

My head is a wreck these couple of days. 

How am I supposed to explain myself when I do not even understand what was and is still going on in my head? It’s ruining me. Inside and out. So many negative emotions. So many frustration. So many times I ask myself, WHY?

Why? I don't have an answer. Like I don't have an answer to everything.

*     *     *

I hate finding myself in awkward situations. 

This haven't been so strong until recently. My problem is. I do not know how to act around couples. any couples. and I do not know how to share. Spending time around them hits me with wharfs of mixed feeling. One minute it was lovely. another minute I will be furiously jealous and frustrated. Sometimes. I just don't know what to do, or where to look. 

Yes. Its the happiest and the loveliest when that's you that is in a relationship, to be in that secret circle. 

But like me. what if you are out of the circle? 

I was once in that circle. Maybe not the romantic type. more of the platonic type. best friendy kind. Now. I'm out of the circle. I have to excuse myself to make way for them. I have to learn to share. I have to learn to tolerate. Thing that I was never great at. 

I keep leaving myself wondering. of what that is happening exactly at this moment. right now. often, what I had in mind ruins me. or just left me wondering more.

I know that I was never great at these things. I'm terrible in fact. And I am ashamed of that side of me.

Frustration adds up. Pent up angry will erupt someday. I'm incredibly sorry for the people that I've lashed at. I don't mean it. I'm just frustrated. 

One thing that keeps popping to my head was the quote that I got from Chaigyaru. 

Sometimes you will feel like you’re alone, but remember, in this world, you will always have one friend. That one friend is yourself. This friend will always follow you wherever you go, always agree with you even when you’re wrong, always wipe your tears when you’re sad, always smile for you when you’re happy. Look into the mirror when you’re sad and tell yourself that there’s always someone who loves you back. Never ever let anyone else put you down. Remember, it’s you – not me.”

I reminds me that I still have me. Sometimes I just do not need other people to make me feel a little bit more worthwhile. I just need to take care of me better sometimes. me me me.

Life gets bored sometimes and I might need a dash of theatric antics. overdramatised. Seeing the need to be miserable. I guess little things like these bring me back to earth. 

I will love myself more and be my own best friend. 

I will learn to tolerate. and share. 

I will need to.

I will also need to watch my emotions. anger especially.

Post No. 46

“Sometimes you will feel like you’re alone, but remember, in this world, you will always have one friend. That one friend is yourself. This friend will always follow you wherever you go, always agree with you even when you’re wrong, always wipe your tears when you’re sad, always smile for you when you’re happy. Look into the mirror when you’re sad and tell yourself that there’s always someone who loves you back. Never ever let anyone else put you down. Remember, it’s you – not me.”

Post No. 39

It's my birthday today. and I am turning 20 this year. a big leap.19 to 20.

Birthdays are important to me no matter what most people around tells me.
'it's only birthdays, you'll have it every year, no big deal.'
It might be just another day to you, its a big day for me.
and for the record. please DO NOT say that line to me ever again.


It's a day where it's all about the birthday boy/girl. its a day where you get all the attention (most of it anyway). its a day when people you haven't spoke to for three million years speaks to you. it's a day where you'll see who are the ones that really cared and loved you. its a day for many wonderful things.

birthdays. you wait 364 days just for that one day. that one day when it is all about you.

I cared a lot for birthdays. If I love you enough I'll waste all my thoughts on you just to give you the best. I'll make an effort.

I get disappointed a lot I admit. I have the wildest imaginations and the highest expectation. often to find myself dreaming for the impossible. often to find myself dropped to ground zero. often asking myself why am I emo-ing when I can still still make the best of it, by myself.

A lot of people say that I need to learn. learn to be humble. learn to not make a big deal out of things. learn to give but not expecting a return.
I don't expect. I anticipate. I wish. I hope. there will be a return.

Post No. 37

First semester is officially over for me :)

after 2 weeks of slaving and lack of sleep, tonight will be nice to have a good good rest.

I have a feeling that I pretty much screwed up this semester. it would be a miracle if I can pull through statistic this sem. I actually quite enjoy doing stats. its maths, its fun. I guess I just didnt put myself into it. Still I hope I did enough to pass. Next sem, I need to pull my socks up, and be the high distinction student that I want to be. Mediocrity is just so. not going to cut it. I want to be more than that. 

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Can you believe that I'm turning 20 in 4 days. Unbelievable. I'm saying goodbye to my teen days. I've always reckoned being a teen is the best stage in life. Sure. most of you will have some friction with your parents during that period. but thats just part of it. part of what makes you learn. being a teenager. is being carefree. being stupid. being reckless. being emotion. mixing all these in a massive blender and you get one hell of a life. 

still. it bugs me. that I am going to 20 in 4 days. 

*   *   *

I have no idea what kind of spontaneous act hit me yesterday. I just bought a ticket for me and my brother back to KL. just like that. guess I be home in 6 months. can't wait. missed it too much :)